JAYS ADDICTION

They say you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. That is the struggle our friends and families are up against when we finally agree to go to a meeting. In the years that I've been in recovery, I have felt that feeling of hopelessness many times while trying to express these words to them ."If I could come out of the gutter and live as a responsible member of society, then there is no reason why you couldn't receive the same blessings as I have". When they finally decide to attend a meeting with me, all I can do is pray that they hear something that just clicks in their head, a voice inside them telling them " I can do this".

When I finally had enough pain and still didn't believe I could change, it was the other recovering addicts that refused to accept that, they gave me love, and by seeing the miracles in their lives, I found a bit of hope that maybe I too can have a life and be freed from bonds of my addiction and self- affliction.

They tried to show me " The light at the end of the tunnel", but always thought that light to be a train coming, and at times that seemed like an easy way out. But God had other plans for me, and he put many people in my life who brought a strong message of hope, and an abundance of faith. 

I put my trust in these messengers and finally found my faith, I began to believe, if they could change their lives by surrendering their will, then it was apparent that I must do the same in order to receive the same blessings. I had hope, where there once was doubt, I had faith that God had bigger and better plans for me. I saw the light at the end of the tunnel, and my purpose here is to touch as many hearts as possible, and to give hope to those who are where I once was, and to give them faith that they can have a new lease on life once they surrender their will and turn it over to a higher power. Once you do this, I can safely walk you through the tunnel and lead you towards the beauty of the light.

 

EVEN AFTER WE'VE BEEN CLEAN FOR A PERIOD OF TIME, THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT EVERYTHING IS ALWAYS GOING TO GO THE WAY WE WISH IT WOULD. WE STILL HAVE TO LEARN TO LIVE LIFE ON LIFES TERMS. WE DON'T HAVE TO RUN FROM LIFE ANYMORE, BECAUSE NOW WE HAVE THE TOOLS AND FAITH NEEDED TO GET THROUGH THESE TIMES. BY NOW WE'VE DEVELOPED HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS WITH PEOPLE IN THE PROGRAM WHO ARE THERE TO SUPPORT US EMOTIONALLY AND HELP US TO MAKE THE RATIONAL DECISIONS WE ARE JUST LEARNING TO MAKE AGAIN, AFTER ALL THE TIME WE LIVED IN OUR INSANE WORLDS. WE MUST REMEMBER; OUR HIGHER POWER DIDN'T RESCUE US FROM OUR ADDICTIONS JUST SO WE CAN BE MISERABLE. HE MUST HAVE A SPECIAL REASON FOR SAVING EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US. SOMETIMES LIFE HITS US HARD, BUT THIS TOO SHALL PASS. THE LONGER YOU WORK THE PROGRAM, THE MORE GOOD DAYS YOU HAVE, AND SOON YOU WILL SEE HOW YOUR HAPPINESS WILL OUT NUMBER YOUR WORRIES BY A LAND SLIDE. KEEP THE FAITH!

WHEN WE START FEELING BETTER, WE WANT TO START SAVING EVERYONE. IT'S NOT UP TO YOU TO SAVE THE WORLD. RIGHT NOW, IT'S ONLY UP TO YOU TO SAVE YOURSELF. WHEN WE GET FURTHER ALONG IN OUR RECOVERY WE WILL HAVE PLENTY OF OPPORTUNITIES TO HELP OTHER ADDICTS, BUT FOR NOW, YOU MUST BE CAREFUL NOT TO GET CAUGHT UP IN THE LIVES OF OTHER ADDICTS WHO ARE ALSO NEW TO RECOVERY. THE SAD THING IS, MOST OF THE PEOPLE WE MEET WHEN WE BEGIN OUR RECOVERY, WILL NOT BE CLEAN A YEAR FROM NOW, A MONTH FROM NOW, OR IN SOME CASES, EVEN A DAY FROM NOW.
BY WORKING THE STEPS AND CHANGING OUR OLD DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIORS, WE BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND JUST HOW POWERFUL OUR DISEASE IS. IF ANOTHER ADDICT CHOOSES TO USE AGAIN, WE CAN NOT LET THAT WEAKEN OUR FAITH. WE HAVE STRENGTH IN NUMBERS AND WE NEVER TRY TO SAVE A SINKING ADDICT BY OURSELVES, WE GO IN GROUPS.
LET'S NOT DWELL ON HOW MANY ARE NOT GOING TO MAKE IT, BUT FOCUS ON HOW MANY MILLIONS OF US HAVE, IF ONLY JUST FOR TODAY. THERE ARE MIRACLES SURROUNDING US WHEN WE WALK INTO A MEETING OF 100 PEOPLE WHO SHOULD HAVE BEEN DEAD LONG AGO. I BELIEVE WE WERE SPARED SO WE COULD BE THE ONES TO CARRY THE MESSAGE TO THOSE WHO ARE SICK AND SUFFERING, THAT THERE IS A BETTER WAY, THERE IS A BETTER LIFE, THAT THERE ARE MANY OF US WHO ARE HERE TO HELP YOU. WE DO RECOVER!

WWW.JAYSPLAN.COM WWW.NA.ORG

As the fog began to lift, I would get passing glimpses of where this journey was taking me. They came to me internally; in my soul and at they would seem to release endorphines, although passing quickly at first. After about 4 weeks I
put in my first day of real work since about 5 years before that. I came back to my halfway house that afternoon feeling like a new man. It was at this point in my recovery that my faith took hold of me and I began to believe that I could do this.
I felt worth something and I wanted to contribute more and more. I sensed at that moment, that god had a purpose for me, and I would no longer stand in his way.
My memory was coming back to me in bits and pieces. I had been drugged up for so long that I couldn't remember who I was and what I use to be like. I knew I had hurt a lot of people , but for now that had to be left in the past. The time for making amends will come about when I reach that point in my recovery. Today was about taking care of Jay, because without me staying clean, I will be of no service to anyone. As soon as I had let go of the guilt that had helped keep me sick and using all these years, I was able to focus on the gratitude I had, for being given the blessing of being alive today, and of starting a new life. I was now on my way , and I had Faith that wonderful things lay waiting for me.

I Had a very hard time sitting in the meetings for an entire hour. An hour seemed like an eternity to me, but I was told I needed to be there from prayer to prayer, which sounded like a religious cult to me. I soon found out that the prayers were about us asking for the power to change our lives, and the prayer at the end was for all the sick and suffering addicts inside and outside the meeting rooms, that they too shall find recovery and a new freedom from their self destruction. On one occasion I decided to step out for a cigarette. Another addict standing by the door placed his hand kindly on my shoulder and whispered to me these words that have stayed with me.
He said. "my brother, DON'T LEAVE BEFORE THE MIRACLE HAPPENS." He went on later to explain how If I step out of the meeting for any amount of time, I may miss the one thing I needed To hear that day, and that could be the message that could keep me clean just for today, or that could be the message that would save my life.

After spending 19 days of detoxing, and still feeling like sick, both physically and mentally, I knew I needed to surround my self with other recovering addicts. I was living at a half way house and it was strongly recommended that I attend 90 meetings in 90 days. At my first meeting I picked up a white key tag which represented surrender. I wasn't judged, as a matter of fact they applauded and hugged me and told me " don't pick up and keep coming back". They understood me. They were me , or at least had suffered enough to wind up here with me. It wasn't a curse, as a matter of fact it was a blessing. I just had to stay clean "just for today" and I found with the people in the rooms and the meetings I attended, I was going to stay clean today...Just for Today

Something was different this time. I kept praying, " god I turn my will and my life over to you. Please guide me and give me the strength and
the courage, so I may do your will for me." That day not only changed
my life, but gave me a chance at a new life. Still I was very sick and I
had a hard time with my memory. I couldn't remember how I had come
to this horrible existence, and I couldn't remember what my life use to be like before or how long I had been lost in this other world.

THE BATTLE WAS WELL WORTH IT

I sat there on the concrete bench, doubled over and trembling from down inside. I could hear people circling me, comforting me, asking me ," are you ready to surrender?" Inside the building there was a narcotics anonymous meeting going on. I had slept on the beach for the past couple of weeks and had run out of all of my drugs. Inside I knew, the only reason I was sitting outside that meeting hall was because I had hit rock bottom. I couldn't go on like this any longer. An addict named Tony and 2 other recovering addicts somehow got me into Tony's car and we made the 40 minute journey to a detox facility. Now the truth would be revealed. Was I going to leave like I had done on 2 other occasions, or had I really surrendered? Was I willing to do whatever it took to get clean ? Would I keep my faith and make it past the withdrawal pains?